I accidentally burped into my bong.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
