dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
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He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
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You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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