He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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