Just cropdusted the office
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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