Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
