Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
