I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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