And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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