It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
