Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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