how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
