Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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