Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
