Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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