It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
