you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
