so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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