Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
