Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Come on in and take your pants off
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