I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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