If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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