my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
