fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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