We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
