i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
