i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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