Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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