Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
