So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
