You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
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