There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
