Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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