Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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