i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
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