He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
you made out with another girl for some wings
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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