Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
