Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
