Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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