Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
