is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
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I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
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So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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