Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
