You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize