I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
