Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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