I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
