What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
