you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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