i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize
