I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Randomize
