I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
