ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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