3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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