So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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