This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
